so i went to bamboozle about a month ago, and had to sit and listen to a lot of bands i particularly didnt like, or found to be ridiculously annoying and similar to just about everything on KROQ. upon awaiting a shitty performance by spill canvas, i had to listen to the stylings of 30 Seconds to Mars. I was sitting in the back on the ground with a group of people, and we simply bantered about how lame they were and the lead singer was certainly putting up a good fight "fuck yea you guys, you rock. we love you" and well obviously i couldnt stop laughing. I've heard them on KROQ since, and still find them to be terrible and then today, im looking through myspace music, and i see a picture of 30 seconds and what do i realize. OH hey btw, this shitty band's lead singer, is Jared Letto. My Requiem for a dream psuedo model for all future boyfriends...and he's the lead singer for the lamest band since hawthorne heights. in fact, its probably worse, since you cant play around and use them as a guilty pleasure like fall out boy, they're about 5 levels below that consideration. so now i just cant tell whether to be completely disappointed in his attempts to be a singer of a "great" band, because he does have fans, ive seen the myspace. or maybe i should just love them because i love him. seriously this is the most pointless thing i could fill my head with right now, but i've got nothing else to bother me today and this is just so sad. at least whats her name from rilo kiley made a good band after quitting acting. oh well. here's tribute to a sexy man with a microphone at least. and im sorry i cant think of anything better to write about than shitty pop culture nonsense.
why is it so hard for me to find people who actually care about me all the time, instead of some of the time. today, the only person who called me, was someone i dont even care about. i guess sometimes, no one really is going to be around all the time for me. maybe im one of those people who cant stand to be alone.
sometimes i spend too much time thinking about what could have been. and at certain points, when ive delved too deep into those thoughts, i actually start to feel regret.
basically no one really looks at my lj anymore and i like that so i can say whatever i want and whos going to say anything. no one. im not in high school anymore, so fuck you for making me try to hide everything i ever wanted to say so i wouldnt start "drama" you cant run away from drama anyway. its everywhere and pretty much a reoccurring consequence youll have to deal with no matter what. so ive dealt with a lot and so has everyone else. and if people dont like being talked about, made feel bad, fucking say something and stop whining about it. i swear looking back on highschool the only thing i regret is taking back anything i ever said about anyone. i didnt like a lot of people. and they should know it, if they didnt, then im sorry. because its far better me publicly hating you then pretending i like you. wlel its better for me at least. and i know youre not supposed to express hatred becaues it could eventually ruin other things between other people. splittling groups, yada yada. whatever. its cliche to say, but in 10 fucking years, where are those cunts going to be? nowhere near you. so why deal with all your time pretending to tolerate people because its too much trouble to saywhat you dont like. and its not even college thats done this to me, its life. ive had so much time to think about everything because i spend so much time being silent because i know that if i speak im just going ot say something negative and rant about those stupid people i cant stand. i know i sound hateful, but if you know me, then oyu know i like you and thats all that really matters. im in a mood, i just lurked around myspaces. and i just hate so much, but i love myself for always being honest. i mean people may have disliked me in highschool, but i didnt hear about it. and i hate you for pretending you ever lliked me, or that you htought i was nice or some stupid vague ridiculous generalization for what YOU think im like. the last thing i ever needed was to feel guilty for disliking people because they were always "nice" to me. i HATE girls. and you could say that maybe im jealous for having so few girlfriends. but i wont lie, if i actually cared about girls' problems, feelings, extreme neediness, then maybe id have more...but i can for sure do without,and thats why i have an extreme abundance of guy friends. they listen just as well, and tell you when youre being fucking stupid or irrational and thats a nice change from some girl whos goign to lie to your face and pretend to tell you youre doing everything right. I LOVE ranting like this, and i love thats its 130 in the morning. i love that do without stupid constrictions like pretending. i dont want to come off as a bitch, but if thats what it sounds like, then thats what i probably am. i dont care, because the friends i have love me, and i love them and we all kno wthats whats important. so why do people constantly bother with these aquantances we love keeping? they mean nothing, and sure, its fun to say hi to millions of people in the halls....but dont you feel in the least bit lonely that they odnt even know who you really are? i dunno. to bring this to a close. im going to cursive on saturday. and im excited.
Despite your pseudo-bohemian appearance And vaguely leftist doctrine of beliefs You know nothing about art or sex That you couldn’t read in any trendy New York underground fashion magazine Prototypical non-conformist You are a vacuous soldier of the thrift store Gestapo You adhere to a set of standards and tastes That appear to be determined by an unseen panel of hipster judges (bullshit) Giving a thumbs up or thumbs down to incoming and outgoing trends and styles of music and art Go analog baby, you’re so post-modern You’re diving face forward into a antiquated path It’s disgusting, its offensive, don’t stick your nose up at me
You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends Pontificating to each other Forever competing for that one moment of self-aggrandizing glory In which you hog the intellectual spotlight Holding dominion over the entire shallow pointless conversation Oh, we’re not worthy When you walk by a group of quote-unquote normal people You chuckle to yourself patting yourself on the back as you scoff It's the same superiority complex Shared by the high school jocks who made your life a living hell And makes you a slave to the competitive capitalist dogma You spend every moment of your waking life bitching about
the best way to describe college so far, is that i'm re-organizing my life. everyone keeps asking me how college life is going, and its just about as trite as the question that was being asked in the summer. "are you excited about college" i like college. there isnt much to describe about it to anyone who doesnt really know me, ie. my moms friends, and random adults who i havent seen in months. i dont want to sound like a grumpy gills, so let me say that college is making me be more like myself. i mean, ive always been the person i wanted to be, but i feel completely different now. i guess a little more relieved and in control. i stress only about stuff thats important. i dont worry about anything trivial. i'm calm, and i talk to the people i only want to talk to. sure i miss my friends and seeing them everyday, but i certainly find college amanda far superior than high school amanda. i get to actually study, and read, and i get to be a loner when i want, and its okay. i dont think ive ever enjoyed my life this much in a long time. and its a nice feeling when you know you have friends who are actually dependable. i'm rambling and jumping from subject to subject, but i have no pictures, because i dont take any. so i can just say it. to anyone who intends to read. and incase my mind changes in the next 5 mins. hour. day. whatever. it is said here that I LOVE MY LIFE. and im happy im not taking it all for grantid and enjoying every minute, even parts i know i completely hate.
ex. today was a day, where EVERYTHING seemed to annoy.
thinking about the girl i met on the bus and my bike
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arizona. again. this week was actually fun. driving and stuff. vacumming my car, getting gas. independence is so...rewarding. ive been waiting for moments like that for awhile. today i went with andrea and greg and ate persian food. not bad. greg was also good company, i like him. jacquis creepy stalker ex-bf called her and began to call her a stupid slut with all his friends in the background. so i did the sisterly deed and called him back and said some words, without cursing, and after i had a mild anxiety breakdown because getting mad at people without sounding like an idiot always frightens me. now im in arizona with my sister and mary. so because at 12:24 and youre on lj, listening to the ipod, having your sister and her friend try to pull down your shorts, the best thing to do is go on photobucket.
i love these people. the end. and i need to say more "love" than "hate" becuase how many times can you say "i hate people" before it gets ridiculous.
today jacqui said "amanda you know whats sad, you have problems with stupid little girls in MY grade."
im sitting here at my nice little desk in raleigh, and i have nothing to do. im thinking about writing a story, and it will be great because insanity caused from enclosed spaces has always been my greatest inspriation for genious. so far in the past 3 hours i have 1) eaten 3 tacos 2) looked on myspace and stared at peoples ridiculously beautifully photoshoped pictures (they dont look like that in real life and theyre probably not as intresting as they try to seem) 3) played inklink 4) forced people i knew to join me in the same room in inklink 5) tried to watch the new dears video on myspace (this computer wont download a media player) 6) painted a picture on paint 7) read an old lj entry i made private, when it wasnt that private at all. and its interesting how different it is now.
so im still sitting here, answering phones. ive probably just about memorized all the extensions. recently a man called from the "medium" building asking to get a janitor over to his floor to "empty his shredder" becuase he obviously couldnt just pick it up and throw it in the trash. why were people like that born. and i should probably stop talking because im probably an even bigger idiot. and if i had the option, id make someone empty my shredder.
i also took my senior picture this morning. everytime i have to take a photo where the point is to look stunning or pretty, it never really pans out. and in the process i get reallly annoyed with myself and my mom gets annoyed with me. i wish i didnt care about a yearbook picture,but i do. then when it comes to that moment when ralf is in my face asking me to smile like i would for grandpa, i realize this is going to come out so shitty, and that is because i hate pictures with me in them. i dont know why anyone would want a picture like that taken. most likely, this is called low self esteem, but this must be a new level because its gotten to the point where id rather die than have some permanent picture of me in a big book someone will keep the rest of their life. the end. turns out ralf took a picture of me when i was 4 and i won the contest, he asked me what happend beause i used to be so cute. of course he was only "joking"
i realize this entry is long and ridiculous and pointless, but i dont have much else to entertain myself. and you probably dont either.
"dad can i have your ipod speakers for the shower" "no you'll mess it up" "no i wont, seriously can i use them" "no." "dad why?" "because youre ugly"
i love my dad. palm springs is neat too. met a kid from chino. ps. its really ghetto, OC style
MCglitter07: dont do the word spazzy thing MCglitter07: it makes me vomit ThNwRomnce: the word spazzy ThNwRomnce: but im having an orgasm ThNwRomnce: and i can only use one hand
the last three days have been..well its hard to say how theyve been, because i can't really remember. they were so full of things to do, i dont think i really had a day. and i definitely didnt have much time to think about anything. the internship is amazing though, and i feel so lucky and so appreciative i finally have something i like in my life. so what have i been doing all this time before...? trying. trying to find something that fit me, and that used to be dance, but somewhere along the years, i lost all interest and passion. the goal was to be the best, or at least be considered one of the best. it took 9 years, and that brings me to now, my 9th year of dance, in the highest company, and theres no where else to go. i dont want to have a dance major, its not going ot happen, i refuse to throw up my food ( i dont have gag reflexes anyway). a couple years ago i realized that, the end of the year dance show wasnt giving me the same butterflies it once did. i found no inspiration to try very hard, unless my parents were there. sure, i didnt want to make an ass of myself so i did my best, but something was missing. now when i dance, i loose myself in it, but not in a good way, its just like...im there. and when i get off the stage, i feel no euphoria from the applause. theres nothing keeping me happy while being there. i just...want to go home. knowing that this show was my last one, i tried to find the passion that was once in me, i think i found it, at least for the last day. i lost myself, but in a good way. i couldnt see myself so i cant say that i was excellent or worth praising, but it felt like a good ending. i have to say im a little sad to let it go, but theres no use taking up space in a company when im not appreciative of my own skills that ive worked on all my life. ill probably end up going back, but not for the same reasons, it will just be to fill the void of not being in dance full time anymore. its all very strange. but farewell to the stress and tedium of dance for 3 hours a day once a week.
alright. so, there is a girl and a boy. his name is jack her names is andy. they meet, they hook up, they have feelings for eachother. la la la. and weeks go by, theyre not going out, but they have something between them, and they both know it. its not exactly the normal kind of relationship but these days, everyone has this so, im sure you understand what im saying. anyway, andy isnt so sure what she wants, so in the midst of their like for eachother, she hooks up with some boy. she doesnt necessarily .like him, but she liked the thought of being with someone who liked her for a little, and after, she felt bad, but she didnt tell jack. she still liked him. her guilt kind of grew, and she felt it was time to let him know what he wasnt the only guy on her mind. she let him into her mind and told him of the others who wnated to persue her. she showed him text messages and let him know when they called every once and awhile. basically just letting him know whats up, but that she still liked him. Now, jack really liked andy, possibly more than andy realized that she liked him. Commitment wasnt really andy's thing. So they kept playing this "hook up" game with eachother evrey weekend for a couple months. Andy had another encounter wiht another boy. a boy she didn't want to be with at all, but he happend nonetheless but she still tried to focus on only Jack. After awhile, Jack could see something was up so he tried to let andy know that he wanted a commitment with her because he liked her so much, but she didnt know what she wanted, so he tried to stop himself, while andy pushed him away. Then when andy was stopping this hook up wiht other people game for good. she found out jack had a secret too. He was also hooking up with other girls. Can you believe him? he was yelling at her for being unfaithful to him, when he was off with someone else too. did she mean something to him? maybe, maybe not.
question? can andy be all that mad at jack for what he did? does it make her a hipocrite. or was jack really an asshole, and now andy is right to let him go?
this weekend was exciting,long, and anxiety free. i feel like i can actually breathe deeply without my lungs collapsing. in and out. and it all feels fine. thank you. thank you to the weekend. or maybe thank you to myself, for lightening up and calming down about whatever it was that burdened me in the first place.
so yes. birthday this weekend. it was neat. ( jacquigotanipod )
this week is over and i dont think i feel anybetter
i left after 2nd period today. my stomach hurt too bad to function. and i dont know why. i think its stress build up from these past weeks and im probably worrying over nothing. but im a freak who has anxiety issues and can't breath, so naturally ive worked myself sick. great.
so i left for arizona at 4 and slept basically the entire way, im still pretty tired but i got up enough strength to type in this. at least i can still make out complete sentences.
at least this is a three day weekend and maybe here, i can try to relax, my stomach can stop killing me slowly, and i can think of better more important things or possibly nothing, which might better since thinking put me in this situation in the first place. i went to starbucks today and there was a guy sitting alone waiting for his coffee and i can't remember what the song was but he was moving too it and stomping his foot. i always like seeing people do their own thing without a care. or when a song comes on and they just start singing it and it seems like everyone else in the room is too. thats really life at its best, when youre actually happy in your own world. or to me it is. hey, i dance in supermarkets if i like the music so...im weird. but i like it.
i tried to make things better this week, but somehow i believe that i messed it up even more. i even manageed to make other peoples lives even worse in my attempt to feel better. great. let me please make people feel shitty at bad moments. thanks. next week wont be any better because theres too much going on, but at least. at least the weekend has hopes of a good time.
i dont have ANY ap tests to study for. so obviously, i have more on my mind than most right about now.
so i was thinking. graduation is really close for a lot of seniors, and that basically means they will leave high school, and not look back to those they never knew. so what happens with the younger people who wanted to know them, but couldn't. or in any event. what happens to people in general when they like someone they dont know, but can't tell them. would it be flattering? would you feel freaked out the moment that person got the guts to tell you they had been liking you since the moment they saw you...and you never knew? I guess i just dont like the fact that people wait so much to tell one person how they feel, whether they know them or not, and then, one day theyre gone, forever and you can never tell them how you felt. you'll never know what could have been, because you didn't try. and one day you'll wake up, wishing you had. and that kind of regret could kill a person.
im speaking out of no where, and im going to sleep.
and im not sure what the trouble was. that started all of this. the reasons all have run away. but the feeling never did. its not something i would recommend but it is one way to live.
what is simple in the moonlight. by the morning never is. it was so simple in the moonlight. now its so complicated.
i was looking at old pictures of new york, and i forgot how much i liked it there. i want to go back so bad, but i know i wont go for a long time. hopefully ill end up going to school there. i love it there so much. geez...
im trying to do an english project, but im more creative later at night. so to save some time, i will do this really neat lj entry about my friends. cool.
this has been such a ridiculously long week. or at least it feels like it. probably because a lot of things happened.
ill summarize. in short, monday was good, tuesday was better, wednesday was weird, thursday was terrible (except for borders), friday was even worse (i went home sick). football still sucks, dance team has bad luck, i didn't have to cheer, and today i am up at 6 am because i needed to be rushed to my fathers house because my mom was leaving to the lake early this morning. now i can't sleep, my nose is pluged, my throat feels like it's going to close and i think i still have to go to work at 1030. all this complaining probably means i should go sleep...yeah. i should.
im really tired of being disappointed. it seems to be a reoccuring act. andrea, please buy me a new life. this one hurts too much.
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